Is your lover an emotional manipulator?
Emotional manipulation by a lover can leave long term consequences with us such as problems with intimacy, trust, respect, insecurity and creating meaningful connections with other people. Also, due to the disturbing emotional pain it brings with it, it can prevent us from being able to live in and enjoy the present moment.
For those on the receiving end of emotional manipulation in a relationship, the early red flags are typically easy to ignore because of the initial excitement of being with someone new or someone who is seemingly the dream partner. Denial becomes a self-defence mechanism, because we don’t want to believe in the negative sides about having found someone special to validate, hold and comfort us through life. Over time, however, the manipulation leads to erratic and unpredictable emotions and behaviours within us because our self-protection instincts are flaring up in conflict with our mind, which in those moments is self-sabotaging. If our minds persist in trying to see the best out of the situation, and the reality is actually very damaging, this results in our mental health being very seriously impacted and commonly our physical health too. Negating your intuition, pleasing the manipulative lover before yourself, blatant self-sacrifice and irrationally trusting them over anyone else are also common behaviours that arise from these situations.
Signs and symptoms to look out for when you’re in a manipulative relationship are feeling drained and overwhelmed on a daily basis, like chronic fatigue, heavy depression and anxiety, you’ve become isolated from your loved ones, unhealthy coping patterns such as eating disorders and alcoholism, you’re not truly heard or appreciated by your lover and you struggle to admit that to yourself. Digestive issues such as IBS and parasite problems can also mess with your body, as mental overwhelm and anxiety from the stressful environment you’ve found yourself immersed in can strip the strength from your digestive fire, especially if you’re not regularly exercising and carrying out self loving, inner peace-cultivating practices.
Does any of this sound familiar? Have a read below of some of the tactics a lover may commonly use to manipulate.
LOVE BOMBING
Love bombing is a manipulation tactic that happens when someone overwhelms you with love-related behaviour usually very early on in the relationship such as:
Over-the-top affection, attention and adoration
Numerous gifts
Seemingly unconditional support and understanding like you have never experienced before, making you feel really special, acknowledged and heard
These emotionally manipulative people, typically narcissists, sociopaths and even psychopaths, intend to get you hooked on them from the very beginning. This phase of the relationship lasts a couple of weeks to a month, but can also last for months if the deceptive individual believes the potential will payout later, such as if you are financially wealthy, they’ve analysed that and plan to take advantage of that. Their “generous” mask lasts for longer as they plan.
They seek to get to know you better – your likes and dislikes, your goals and aspirations – so that they can understand how you’re wired, your psychology, so that they can tap into it and take subtle control.
Someone trying to love bomb you may say things like:
“You are the only person I want to spend time with”
‘’I love everything about you’’
‘’I have never met anyone I like as much as you’’
Whilst not actually knowing you very well. This approach can ‘’reset’’ from time to time, especially if they suspect that you are starting to realise something is off about them.
They want to be in constant communication with you, calling, texting and messaging all day long initially, but later, in the devaluation phase, they start to ignore you sometimes up to a couple of days, leaving you to question and doubt yourself and worry excessively.
When you try to tell a love bomber to slow down or implement any kind of healthy boundary to them, they get very upset, sometimes leading to fits of entirely selfish rage, which is also a form of emotional manipulation, leading you to feel guilt and shame for what you have done.
GASLIGHTING
This unfortunate tactic is used by manipulative individuals in order to gain more power, making the victim question their own sanity and reality. Examples of their tactics and consequences could be:
They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition
Their actions do not match their words
They are aware that confusion and blame weakens you so they make you feel constantly confused and responsible for any problems that occur
They deny what they did or said, especially if you don’t have proof
You find yourself apologising often for the sake of ‘’keeping peace’’
You suffer a loss of identity and confidence as self-doubt, anxiety and depression increase
Someone trying to gaslight could say things such as:
“You need help’’
“You’re acting crazy”
“You’re crazy”
‘’Don’t get upset over nothing’’
‘’You are always twisting things’’
‘’You’re remembering things wrong’’
‘’Don’t be so sensitive’’
You’re imagining things’’
‘’Why are you even here if you think that I am so terrible, then?’’
‘’Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
‘’This is all your fault’’
A strong and helpful response in the moment could sound something like this:
‘’I am stepping away from this conversation’’
‘’I hear you, that isn’t my experience’’
‘’I am open to discussing a solution with you, not to argue about or negate my feelings’’
‘’If you continue to speak to me in this way, I am not engaging with you’’
Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to confuse you, strip your power and get you to distrust yourself. It only works when a victim isn’t fully aware of what’s going on. Once you become aware of the deceitful pattern and the truth of a situation, it’s easier to combat.
NEGGING
Negging is a manipulative tactic used by people who wish to undermine, belittle and control individuals and groups around them. It’s a practice of generally making comments that express indifference to downright denigration toward another person.
Negging examples sound like:
Backhanded compliments – ‘’Don’t you look fabulous? I would never be brave enough to wear my hair like that with your face shape!’’
Comparisons of you to other people to spark insecurity – ‘’Your sister is in such great shape. You should take a cue from her and start working out.’’
They’re always ‘’just joking’’ when you call them out – ‘’Lighten up! Where’s your sense of humour?’’
Insults to you under the guise of ‘’constructive criticism’’ – “That report was terrible, but the subject is completely over your head anyway, isn’t it?’’
Insults disguised as questions – ‘’Don’t take this the wrong way, but are you really going to eat all that by yourself?’’
Confronting insults – “You’re a slut,” “You’ve got a fat arse,” “Who would love a snob like you?” used as a toxic “flirting” technique most often by insecure men to women, who believe that ultimately, the women are out of their reach.
The solution for negging is recognising and remembering the things said and reacting with resistance and refusal of the insults. The manipulator’s goal is to subtly undermine your confidence, shake you up and confuse you. Stay strong and mentally alert.
EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
This entirely dysfunctional and potentially very nasty form of manipulation is used to place demands and threaten victims with fear so the manipulator can achieve what they want. They commonly haven’t developed any healthy coping methods as personal problems present, which results in this kind of disturbing behaviour. It attempts to mask their own perceived shortcomings.
Individuals who emotionally blackmail are commonly prone to aggressive and impulsive behaviours and physical violence. Emotional blackmail is born out of insecurity, emotional immaturity and out of a lack of understanding of how to communicate feelings or excessive fear of abandonment. This tactic can be acted out unconsciously without deceitful intent but certainly with unclear intent.
Some examples of emotional blackmail could sound like:
‘’If you ever stop loving me, I will kill myself’’
“If you don’t stay with me, I’ll get all my boys to pay you a friendly visit”
‘’I’ve already discussed this with [common friend/family member] and they agree with me that you are being completely unreasonable and should do as I say’’
“You can’t come on this vacation with me if you’re going to be like that. Behave or I’ll leave without you’’
“You love your friends more than me. If you keep spending time with them, I’ll leave you’’
GUILT TRIPPING
This form of passive-aggressive manipulation is the most common in close relationships as in romantic partnerships, families, friendships, professional relationships and more. It's an intentional tactic used by many to control another’s behaviour by raising a sense of guilt and shame in them for something they’ve done or said, or even a situation they may have been involved in but not even necessarily had much control over. It’s very often a projection of the manipulator’s own guilt or shame onto another.
If you find yourself feeling mostly unworthy of love, invalidated by others, guilty and ashamed just for being who you are, it’s likely that you have been or are being guilt tripped.
An individual trying to guilt-trip may:
point out their own efforts and hard work above yours to gain position and leverage over you
make sarcastic or passive-aggressive remarks about a situation they feel they have no control in and perceive you as having more control over
give you the silent treatment when they’re upset about something that may not even have anything to do with you
deny their irritation or upset with you, but act otherwise, passive aggressively
use body language and abrupt actions to communicate their displeasure such as exasperated sighing, crossing their arms, stony eyes, furrowed brows or even slamming doors or objects down
show no initiative in doing anything to improve a negative situation that resulted from both of your actions and make you feel obliged to resolve it alone, as if it’s all your fault
THE SOLUTIONS
If you now realise that you are or have been a victim of manipulation, know that you are not alone. There are a number ways you can comboat this toxic behaviour. I’d like to present some following suggestions that will kick start your return or arrival to a clearer and more wholesome life.
A Confidant
Confide in someone you have trust in to tell them in detail about your current situation to gain a greater perspective on what’s happening to you. If you don’t trust anyone, go to see psychologists, help lines and/or healers until you find the ones you trust. It’s actually a good idea to have trusted friends/family members and psychologists to get a well rounded view on your situation but not too many at once. You will need time to process what you share and discuss together and feel into as the truth.
Sharing your emotions and mental disturbances with someone who can help you process and validate what you are going through can help you see the light at the end of the dark tunnel. It is also very important to listen to your inner gut feeling (this is what I mean by “feel into”) as many times manipulators can make us question our own sanity and reality.
Journaling
Journaling your emotions and detailing significant situations is very important for record keeping of what is happening for you. If things happened to become quite severely destructive and violent, this record helps enormously in your defence and is something you can always refer back to to remind yourself of the dark places you’ve been in due to surrounding factors and close others responsible for inflicting pain and manipulation upon you. This can also help greatly in Court situations.
Quality Time
Quality time alone (if you have a good relationship with yourself) or with those you truly love and who love and respect you can help you break out of the seemingly never ending, manipulative cycles that you may tend to get stuck in the more time you spend with your toxic lover.
Bold Communication
Narcissists, sociopaths and psychopaths target people that are in some sort of vulnerable stage in life as they are actually weak and can’t work with self-respecting individuals. They don’t know how to deal with that as self-respect involves having developed a healthy relationship with one’s ego and they certainly have not done that themselves.
Bold communication through words and body language is the first step to standing up for yourself and is a great skill to learn for all areas of life with people from all walks of life. As soon as you stand firm in your beliefs and project those outwards, it makes the one seeking power over you react differently, now uncertain of who they’re dealing with. Initially, they could get more violent and louder to try and “beat” you. Though it’s not about being loud or forceful to win the intimidation contest, it’s about being firm, anchored in yourself and clear with steely personal resolve. You can only arrive at this when you’ve done enough self work and reflection to determine the truth of the situation you’ve found yourself in. When you bring this through, begin to see their fragile facades dissolve or shatter. They simply cannot handle someone standing in their resolute and divine truth. Keep trying and getting stronger in this approach, regardless of what they attempt to intimidate you.
Boundaries
So many of us don't come through childhood having learned healthy boundaries. This is due to a great deal of familial, social and cultural conditioning. Healthy, strong boundaries are crucial for safe and deeply fulfilling exchanges with others.
As we grow into adults and get immersed in the fields of work, intimacy and activities together, this is where we often have to learn the hard way that our boundaries need work. The manipulative types of individuals also have boundary issues.
To combat emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping, we need firm boundaries. We need to be complete enough in ourselves with personal conviction to not allow that behaviour in the first place and shut it down as soon as it starts. This is setting boundaries to toxic behaviour. This involves firm communication and action, this is shutting communication down from the other if you detect that person’s intent is not actually to create anything positive or a solution to problems present.
Developing the ability to say “No,” “No, I’m not doing that,” “No, I’m not tolerating that,”with absolute conviction sends a very powerful message to the manipulator. However, if they ignore you, then it is the time to step away from this toxic relationship. That is the only way you can win.
Remember, if the manipulator doesn’t have any respect or understanding of boundaries when you set them, it’s a red flag.
KNOW YOU CAN DO BETTER!
At Peace Alone
Being alone is better than being with a manipulative lover. There are so many beautiful practices you can cultivate for yourself and your life, which are conducive to attracting loving and respectful partners. Being alone is also a great way to repair and build your boundaries and accept new people into your life more slowly so that you know whether or not you can trust them.
Self Love
Self love and self respect act as a shield to emotionally manipulative individuals. They cannot last for long in the presence of those who have a strong, integral sense of self and personal identity. Discover what self love means to you along with practices you resonate with that reflect how much you value yourself, your time, your body and your holistic health.
Revenge Is Living Your Best Life
It’s common for us to get caught up in malicious cycles of manipulation because we want to win and get our revenge upon the other. However, the best form of revenge is to elevate your consciousness away from them and lead the best life you possibly can for yourself, full of love, gratitude, good people and respect of your time here. Use as little time as possible being caught up in blame and pain. Seek out the healing path. Allow time to process the pain and then move on and into the beautiful life you create for yourself.
