Deeper Than Sex
I grew up being taught that all men want from a woman is sex. I went about doing what I could as a young woman to rebel against that belief but it continually haunted me, especially with the help of men who reflected it, sexualised and objectified me. For a while, I yielded to that belief, feeling deeply saddened by it. It twisted me and developed an undercurrent of blinding rage. That half the world might ultimately only be about sex when it comes to considering woman — totally devastating.
Society often dictates that a women’s value lies primarily in how fuckable she is. Everything else about her could be discarded. It’s pretty damn brutal. There’s so much more to humanity than that. More to women and more to men. We’re not just mindless, heartless creatures made for fucking. Underlying this primitive superficiality is a soul of innate intelligence, heart and creativity which yearns to connect deeply with another to explore, learn and nestle into safe, nurturing warmth together. I dare say most ultimately want this. This provides a security and comfort like no other. Through each other is a route to divinity.
As men grow into pubescence, they battle with the rise of a sex drive and ideas around sex in porn cloud their judgements on women. Bodies are sexualised and objectified through pornography. Compounding this is a millennia-long-held paradigm that men need not look deeper into a woman than her body, to satisfy their urges. Women subject to this view not realising they have within them great beauty, intelligence and power. A breaking down of this archaic paradigm and rising above opens the channel to see the wonders and magic woman and man are capable of. Sexuality and connection is supposed to be wholesome. It is supposed to gift life-affirming experiences which satisfy soul needs.
In the same token, it’s a common behaviour in women to desire “manly men”, men with bristle, muscle and a solid dick and balls charged with testosterone and a high sex drive. They flutter and flirt as these men approach them with the goal of sex. It validates them as attractive creatures worthy of attention, sexual indulgence and maybe even being put on a metaphorical throne. If the man loses interest, a dramatic loss of self esteem and even sense of identity usually follows because of how much she has defined herself by her sex. Maybe then, the men who are more interested in heart and mind, who’d hitherto not been recognised as manly or worthy enough for her may well get a look in. Though, if they are smart they’d probably look past her as her primitive instincts will still cloud her better judgement and blind her to genuine goodness.
On a primal level, the world of people is one of competition. Males compete and fight with other males to win the most desirable females. Women also compete to be the prettiest and closest to highest social beauty standards. The desirable females decide which males to accept and readily reject those they deem not up to their high standards. Rejection is rife and painful to the ego but on the other hand, being accepted doesn’t necessarily provide anything more than short-lived gratification. The deeper, more sustainable sense of accomplishment goes beyond sexual conquest to an arrival at truth, peace and a home within the heart. Vulnerability is the only way to achieve this. You have to be vulnerable to rejection and vulnerable to opening as its through opening our most tender parts that we can connect to that special and divine place within each other.
By the time many grow into adulthood, they’ve already been battered and bruised by competition and rejection and hence become closed and embittered with only snatches at their lighter self. Relationships and sex of beauty and depth become very difficult to find and establish. People don’t realise that they should feel loved before giving their body for sex. The expression of subtle and respectable intimacy is a way to start to feel loved. If mutual consideration of one another and intention for connection is present whilst intimate with one another or stepping toward that then it becomes super blissful and holistically nourishing. This paves the path toward phenomenal sex.
We all long for a home wherein we don’t have to pretend to be something we’re not in order to be accepted. We long to be seen and acknowledged for who we are, to be felt and touched in magical ways that make our bodies and souls shine and smile from the core. We desire the nurture and attention from a beloved that most of us did not get when we were young. Our inner child regularly comes out for play and curious investigation of the new but is often judged, laughed at and shut down. So, we put up facades of bravado but these are flimsy and typically collapse into pathetic putty as soon as a trigger pricks them.
The feeling a lover has of interacting with a child in their lover’s body is absolutely terrifying to many. It’s commonly the reason why lovers fall apart and disconnect. This is because when we crumble we want to know there’s a solid support there for us in our partner/s. If one is oft the child and the other the adult then it’s imbalanced. If they’re both childlike then there may be vying for attention from each other or a blatant neglect of deeper matters, not to mention, the lack of safety this creates for both in the wider world context. It takes great courage to admit our vulnerability and sometime childlikeness to one another. In the battle of presenting that vulnerability, which some confuse as weakness and powerlessness, people can become horrible, nasty and violent. Vulnerability may be expressed but then immediately regretted with rage taking it’s place in a vain attempt at self-protection.
Vulnerability is actually a strength. The greater practice you have at being vulnerable, the stronger and more capable of big love you become. It takes experience and maturity to admit we need a safe haven where we can receive nurture. And on the other side, nurture of the kind most needed is presence, softness and subtlety. These things don’t take much energy at all. They involve relaxing and letting go of the things that do actually strip us of energy. We need to step beyond our primal conditioning and confused paradigms around connection to allow space and openness for authentic bonds with others. The reward is a life-time of deepening love and intimacy that goes way beyond just sex.
I realise this article is written from a heterosexual perspective. I always appreciate insights from those of the LGBTIQ as we are still rising in education, awareness and respect of all with unique identity and preference.
